Of Time and Faith

“When the heart is able to ask itself and cry, then we can understand something,” 

Certain realities in life are seen through eyes cleansed with tears.” 

-pope Francis

We come to understand life  during tough times. As always i could hardly explain all the feelings i have inside me right now. 

My grandfather, is in the Medical Intensive Care Unit(MICU) and  all of us are troubled. I know... We all know that the inevitable is to happen. No one really knows what is the right thing and righteous thing to do.

I can never say i have been with him through all, but it is indeed painful to watch that life is taken out of him as time ticks by and you can't do otherwise.

I have not written anything for so long and now that i do, it is about this. And i just needed to let this out as i am left alone to watch over and wait... Wait for the end and beginning. People have different coping mechanism with these kind of things. And the lone time of waiting and thinking and doing nothing else as my eyes begin to close from the tiredness brought by physical, mental and emotional exhaustion bring me the creeps. I don't wanna think of it anymore. I don't wanna be here. I don't want to see. 

I just checked on him and It breaks my heart to see him suffer as i have never imagined it. My heart could not fathom the idea but i am trying to be bold. Every single ring, and swinging of the door, every little bit of sound matters. I can all hear them in my head and they signal something, they make my heart race and make my head turn into the direction.

I am not good with this type of situation. I am in the health profession and i have witnessed people fade away. However,  the feeling that someone close to you/your family is hanging by a thread in the balance of life can make your knees crumble. Those moments where you are left with no words to say because you already tried to give all and do everything but you can't just undo it. 

Srsly. This feels different. Like i am in a dream, in a trans where it doesn't seem real... Like the ones i use to see in tv's and movies. At the back of my head i want things to go the other way around.

(Takes a deep breathe)

I cried and i still want to but i have to keep it.

Me:(to self) you have to think of the goodness Nat. You worry too much. Have faith. Pray. He has plans.

At moments like this, being alone is not an option. You need all the support you can get but i am left with no choice. What else can i do? I just turn to Him and let Him be my companion.

I am entrusting this to you Dear God.

" God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference. "

Huuugs.