Happy Beginning

After quite some time i have decided i might as well revert back to blogging. I miss writing my thoughts and having something to look back to and read (when i have forgotten who i am). This is actually me, the Nat who writes her thoughts of the world (not actually caring whether how shifty her tenses are, LOL) and shares them hoping i'd inspire people. But then, whether or not i do, i'll find relief that my thoughts are out there and not just curled up in some pages of my old notebooks or kept to myself. You know what happens when you've got too much ideas in your mind, they all buzz like a bee and the noise is just too much to handle. So here i am, keeping this blog alive again. And i want to start by being honest to myself.


Okay, i admit. I am in the midst of a midlife crisis. It is part of a process young adult undergoes. I am afraid of the future and what it holds, afraid that everything is too late. Well, not really late late (if you know what i mean). I'd be lying if i say i am not afraid, though i know am not supposed to be. It's just that, when you stop for a moment to watch the things around you, you'll realize what i mean... probably understand me, too. There's too much going on and all i wanted was to break free because i felt like a prisoner. I can't say that is how it was meant to be. However i think of it and i see me, so far from the person who i used to be. I have changed which is quite good, but so far from what i actually wanted to be. Yet, i still looked forward to better days. 


Until it didn't feel like that anymore.


I couldn't see myself in the process. I was there but i no longer am. So i asked myself what is wrong. I didn't actually find any answers because i was trying too hard to find the obvious. Though i've got a mind full of ideas, i knew i was already empty.


I remembered a lesson a friend once told me, in moments when you feel like it is not worth it anymore, you just have to hold on and overcome that phase. But then she told me of another one, that, if you have done your best in trying to change something for the better and still it didn't work, then perhaps it is time to give yourself a chance to find the change in yourself and stop trying to change things. Quite confusing actually to me, but it is in how we perceive it that we can fully understand what is there to be understood. 


Now, at moments like those, when i really don't know what to do now, i seek refuge in His promises and comfort myself that out of the things that have happened, something good will definitely come out of them.


It might not be the best ending i pictured in my mind, but it was enough. I have regrets, yes. Who doesn't have when we are all human? But i don't want to dwell on them anymore. Those regrets will just do me no good so i am scratching them off my mind because they will only pull me back to being better. I want to focus on the positive. I want to live my life the way He wants me to and that is forward, to where His promises await. 


That old cliche saying that goes, once you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you, couldn't be more suitable right now. 


I am trying to rationalize things, yeah. But hey, this is me closing that chapter of my life and moving forward to a whole new one which i know is as exciting and wonderful as His plans. This is me, giving myself a chance for a happy beginning.


I know God has better things ahead for me. And i can't wait to unravel them, in His perfect time. 


-Nat

Into the darkness

Wow.
Here is why i hated resisting the Sandman's visit.
After some time of sulking
Whether to write or not to write my thoughts.
I finally gave in.
So here I am
Trying to scribble my jumbled thoughts to free up some space.
And just like that.
The wall i have been trying to keep shattered with just a snap.
Apart from the throbbing headache this bad case of neck strain's causing.
All the emotions came rushing in
And my heart couldn't handle it like how i used to.
And i was not invincible.
I was pretty vulnerable.
So vulnerable.
That i succumbed to it.
And i let the feelings engulf me.
Until i decided to give it a rest.
And i remembered that thought.
That funny thought which made sense.
"Close your eyes and stare into the darkness."
And in someway, staring into it soothed me.
It prevented the tears from falling.
I breathed.
I prayed.
And my storming heart calmed.
I opened my eyes and darkness i see.
I began to feel Mr. Sandman's thug.
Wanting me for now, to close my eyes.
Feeling the weariness inside me.
So again i stared into the darkness.

-Nat