Day 4: The Colour Changing Quill

Hello there.. It's tuesday i know and it's really funny how time flies so fast when YOU'RE SLEEPING. Ha-ha. That's one reason why i dislike sleeping a little bit.
but i love to sleep. That fact is kinda confusing.

So Last Sunday, we went to Tanza, Cavite to enjoy the feast. Jerome gladly invited and accommodated us three. DADA, ME and PX. However due to bad weather conditions (and there's even a typhoon - TYPHOON MINA) we were not able to fully enjoy the best it could bring. You should have been there too i guess, if only i wasn't invited. It would have been you and Dada alone. (plus the fact that you just didn't wake up at 4PM)

So i went there to have some fun however half of the time we were so silent. We laughed then talked for a while but the whole time, Topic of conversations were all about LOVE... all about you, me. and about theirs too.

You should have came. Ha-ha. And i wonder what could have happened if we saw each other. Who would have gone home? WHo would have been silent? WHo would have been irritated the whole time.

I have a guess, it would have been me.
Hahaha
that's a lot of who would, right.

But anyway, you weren't there.

=P

It was fun being out of the urban world for a while coz it felt like i am home again in the province. Far from the noise and pollution. But maybe half of the time i was there my mind drifted again and it landed on you. How bad for me. That was why that night we slept inside the cozy room of Jerome and Jerbie, tears rolled down my eyes and i silently sniffed.

I miss you. I really do every time.

I don't know if Jerome was just joking but my query about the picture was gone. IT was just a picture, and it will always remain a picture now. I will stop bawling over it.

Yes, you did changed everything, you had a new life, a new facebook but the same old picture. And Jerome told me, that you said "Ang ganda kase nya jan".

That must have been one of their tricks again coz we were annoying each other how broken and how bitter we are over our failed relationships.

But that's over. You don't want the failed relationship anymore.
Hmmmm.

Plus, Jerome said i should just let you (do the things you want to do with your life and don't ever involve myself amymore) now, coz there's no point adding you on FB, nor texting you or anything else. Thanks Jerome.

So since we are actually silent, me and Px just kept on playing TapTap (tapulous) from Dada's phone and we were laughing coz we really exercised our phalanges for that kind of game. And i am dying to have that game now. Nyahahaha.

It's me and Px who were talking most of the time. Apartment talks, love talks, game talks, cellphone talks, Plan talks, work talks, co worker talks.

I miss those days where we hang out back home coz we usually do that before and now we're just busy with our own lives, work and stuffs that we barely see each other outside the office (coz i get to see Xavier a lot in the office)

Anyway, we went home at 9:30 AM yesterday and i arrived in my apartment past 10. Just like every other travel, way home is faster than when you're going.

So there, i just wanted to share.

Thanks Jerome for the sumptuous meals and the comfy beds and ambiance and the lovely smiles ^_^.
I'd hope to spend another feast there someday. We'll be much much happier. (we were just preoccupied. hahaha) And looking forward to that day THAT YOU'LL BE ALLOWED TO VISIT ILOCOS, too..

Day 3. The Colour changing Quill

The sales training ended last August 25, 2011 and it ended with a BANG. Ha-ha. I just meant to say we were all CERTIFIED.

So who's on fire? QUEZON. (Pronounced as KEYZON)
Teeeheee.

It was a great privilege for me to be able to undergo such kind of training coz it's my first job and i am still on newbie training. I know i still have to learn a lot of things but with what they have provided me i know it'll be easier for me to adjust. Hmmm, i am wondering how are you doing at your work.

It's weekend. August 27, 2011. And i woke up this morning with a very vivid dream in my head.
I dreamt of you. It was not just you but Gav was there too. I could not actually remember how the dream started and even it's flow all i can remember were scenes from it.

In my dream i got to feel your warmth again that it felt so real. It felt like i was holding you.

You were again trying to sleep leaning on my lap as i put my arms around you just like how we were during the final coaching. And it felt real. Although i wish it was real. Also, i got to hold your face again, just like those days. I was surprised to see Gav though. You know how much i want to meet your nephew. And you know how much i love him even though i haven't seen him yet. Funny part in my dream was that he can already talk. And he was like talking to me and just couldn't stop laughing. He's so adorable, he just kept on repeating the words i say. But the real thing that he said which really made me happy is "Ate Nat". Ha-ha.  It's actually funny in my dream how he's talking to me. He's comfortable with me. I even got the chance to carry him around. Which i really wanna do in real life.

But then just like anyother dream it ends, no matter how great and beautiful they are. They're dreams and they show you the desires of your heart. It speaks in dreams.

One last thing...

In my dream, you're not back. You just did those things i mentioned above. But then i gave you one last hug and i am aware in my dream that we're no longer together. That might have been the reason why i didn't cry when i woke up.

Although the feeling stung me again.

You're still wearing that picture.
for a week now.
and at the back of my head i am wondering why.

So i have to end this one now.
See how i made my blog a diary for you. LOL
Ciao.

~Nat

heard the alarm of success

It's only now that i was able to write something about the result of the nursing licensure exam.
Hey, i was pretty busy and i was feeling pretty odd again.

That was a very busy day indeed for me.Coz i went to Childhaus with Izadoration for Ate Iza's birthday celebration. And i almost forgot that day would be the releasing of results because i have had so much fun with them and the kids too.

I arrived home in my apartment that night at 7 PM and i immediately opened my Laptop. My phone is empty and i had no contact to the NLE result world that time.. LOL.

I opened facebook and OMG, it was filled with  congratulations... I passed.. God is good.
My heart pounded faster.

Where the heck would i look for the result? I don't even know the link. Arrrgh..
i was trembling. Until Colleen sent me the link.

I told my self it's time.
Even if she already told me i passed, still the excitement was there.
The excitement of finding your name among the list of lucqy passers of thu Nursing Licensure Examination uor July 2011.

There were 5 columns for C. And i was fortunate enough to be able to find the list where that name was included. I only know 3 people who took the nursing boards with CALPO as their surname. They were the two roommates i've been with during the actual boards. and the other one... IT'S ME.

I scrolled the page to look for three Calpo's on the list. And i counted one, two... one was missing.
And i turned to see their first names.

Mine was there.
Flashing in its own way the dream i prayed to God.

THe next name i looked for was Bryan's name. Teehee. I know right. I should have not done that but hey, my hands just looked for it. Then Cyryll's name.

Glad to know that the six of us who reviewed here in Manila passed the boards as well as those who stayed in Baguio. That's one thing to be proud of. MMSU eagles, we rock.^_^

As to our MMSU family as a whole, we did great in making MMSU proud for having a 90 % and above passing rate.

For those who didn't make it. God has great plans for you.
He has His right time for each and everyone of us.
We just have to believe and trust HIM.

God is indeed so great, and wonderful. He had always been with me though my ups and downs.
Thank you so much My Lord.
I am so grateful.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL NEWLY REGISTERED NURSES...

Day 2. The Colour Changing Quill

I had a tiring day today. I didn't get that chance to think about you coz i was busy with work. Great right? Wish i will always be busy so my mind won't drift off to things and places it shouldn't be drifting on. I just remembered to ask Carine a while a back how things went at your party.Glad that it went well. Even heard it was in "Daya". I envy them. So much. Not only because i wanted to be there too but i wanted to see you.

I know i've been there but the first and last time i was, things didn't work out fine. I walked away and never looked back. 

I thought, that would be the last time i'll get to hear from you. The last time i'll think of you.

That after doing that i'll be able to free my mind from thinking of you.

But i was wrong. Very wrong.

I watched a friend of mine a while ago and He made me think of you. He was all dressed up. You know how guys are being maporma. I was reminded that you were once like that. But i have always loved how you tried to look casual as always and how you dragged yourself even with those baggy clothes you wore. I never said anything about them. I only get to stop you from doing that annoying sound when you walk where you get to drag your feet(shoes/whatever around) and you hated carrying them.

*sigh*

and all i did in this blog is to reminisce you.

Damn it.

Work was work. It was no longer a playground. It' the real world where we're not punished with low grade but termination. I should have been sharing all of these things to you. And MAYBE we could have been laughing together.

But all i could now is to wish.

This blog is full of would and could. Will and can. 

Francis a colleague of mine asked me, "Why is it always valentines day for you? You're always wearing red."

I smiled and answered, "Valentines? I am actually broken hearted."

=)

Day 1. The Colour Changing Quill

I have been planning to write something like this ever since we parted ways. It's my way of releasing all the feelings i have within me. Coz i don't wanna bug other people anymore about how bitter am i over things, they might have grown tired of me crying, ranting, musing over the same things over and over again. Plus, I don't have you around to comfort me anymore.

I was wondering for 3 weeks now, how you've been since we last had  those conversations over the phone wherein you're telling me I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU. And i asked you to just understand me instead coz i was hurting and i needed those moments for me to atleast express everything. However, time didn't let me and  what happened was that we just lost contact and all.

You've been trying to avoid me ever since. The last message i could remember me telling you is the one saying you shouldn't be asking how am i doing anymore coz YOU NO LONGER CARE. Just like that message written in my head saying, "THE MORE YOU SHOULD GET OVER IT, COZ I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.". Exactly how you've said it.

Hmmmm.

I miss you. That is not wrong to say, i guess. That's how i feel right now. I'm missing you badly. I was at work last night and you were in my head again, half of the time. I should refrain from doing that. I won't be able to work properly if that continued. And i should tell you too, to stop bugging me at work.

It was cold last night at work and i just remembered you again. YOU KNOW WHY?

I remembered during those days when we were reviewing for the Nursing Licensure Exam at CBRC and i would feel cold. You would grab my hand. Hold it tightly and tuck it inside your jacket pocket. And last night as i mused on that thought, my hands were freezing cold. No one's there to keep it warm. I also remembered during those final coaching days where you would lean on my lap and sleep despite the fact that a lot of people could see you doing that. Those times where you would put your hands around me as you lean on me to sleep.

Nothing. They just bumped my head last night. And my heart freaked out again.
You know how fragile my heart is. And how shallow i am when it comes to crying.

one picture i never get the chance to see until now.

I was wondering, why did you have to pick that picture from your trunk and post it as your profile picture? I have nothing against it. I was just wondering. Maybe you'll just answer the same line you told me when i asked you why did you say you miss me that time. Hmmmm.

I think we have a group picture, the six of us who reviewed here in Manila, but you chose it. That was just one of the pictures taken from your sister's (ate Tin's) phone right? We didn't have that much picture take from it anyway.

*sigh*

so enough i have to ready myself for work.
I hope you're doing great.
And i hope you're always okay.

~just me,
Nat

writing about you again

I am not good at lying. But ever since, i started to continuously lie. To everyone. TO myself.
what's really hard to keep doing is to keep lying to the one and only soul who knows me more than anybody else.
That is my very own self.

Coz i know what's deep inside.
I know what i am hiding.
I know what i am running away from.

I wonder why i was always good with giving advice to others and i can't even follow my own advice.

Two days after knowing that i passed the nursing board exam.
Yet i feel so alone again. Back to where i used to.
When in fact i was doing well for the past 3 weeks.

I don't know why.
But maybe because of the fact i had a conversation with him again.
And that feeling i have been trying to suppress or forget woke up again.
which should not be the case.

Plus the fact that i saw something i should have not seen and should have not known.

Stop it Nat.
Wake up.
He's gone right?
He's gone.

=[

Childhaus. Laughters and smiles

i am so happy with my experience in Childhaus where we got to help even for that time. THru Ate Iza Calzado's generosity.^_^ Happy birthday Ate.

I just enjoyed yesterday so much. it was filled with blessings.

God is so amazing.
I am so grateful.

BTW, Ate Iza hugged me.. wowoowowow..^_^
OMG...

Dreams indeed, come true

Augut 14, 2011

The day i've been waiting for.

We went to watch Party Pilipinas.

I finally saw Miss IZa Calzado in person.

It was like a dream.

I was stunned coz she was indeed so pretty and lovely in real life. Much more in person than in television. 

She's like a real Barbie doll which was given life.

I was like, "OMG. Is that her? For real?"

LOL. 

I have waited for 5 years for this time and that time she was standing in front of me, still it felt like it was a dream. Ha-ha. Just a dream although it's already real.

I jut stared at her and all the stress were gone..^_^

She was so nice. SO kind.

SHe is indeed a blessing.^^

HEre are some pictures..

They are properties of Izadoration.

For ANYONE who has ever LOVED and LOST

Way back, when you say Nat, it gets associated with love. So inlove. Now, it just means nothing. it may even mean, SADness.


I miss how it feels waking up in the morning thinking that somewhere, you know someone's thinking of you, too. Not just thinking but somehow wants to be with you at that very moment, too. 


i'd go straight forward.
I miss waking up in the morning and he Bryan would be the first person that would hit my mind and i'll just smile.


This one'u for people oututhere who could not let go but are trying their very best to at least move even just a little forward - just like the ever depressed and still smiling author of this lovely and gloomy blog. 


</3 </3 </3 </3 </3 </3


Hmmm. What if for years you had lived with that kind of attitude. That everyday, upon waking up you'll grab your phone and send them a message hoping it'll brightened their day and they'll do the same. Even though they won't reply back, your day'll be complete coz you know they feel the same way. Even though you don't get to talk to each other often, you get to see each other once or twice a week, you still feel they care a lot. That they're always there when you need them. 


And now you wake up, you think of them. However, instead of feeling that jolt of happiness inside, you get to think of the pain. Of not having them around no matter how much you want to. You just feel so alone coz the person who told you, they'd be there no matter what happens, was  gone. What's worst is, they were even the ones who left when they promised they'd never.


Indeed, sometimes those who promise to stay are the ones who often leave. WHile those who don't say anything, stays and shares with you the burdens of life.


Remember those moments when they told you they like you, they love you. Those times when they told you your life would  be better if you'd allow them to be beside you. THose promises they got to fulfill and those that they had forgotten. Those sorry thingies and those i miss you's they get to say when they feel it. THose you complete me's, you're mine, you're my world, we'll be together forever, i'll never get tired of loving you. THE PROMISE THAT THEY LOVE YOU, NO BUTS, NO IFS. THose are memories that are no longer worth the tears nor the time. THose are memories which are needed to be packed inside a trash bin and burned so that its ashes will be dispersed and its smoke will just disappear in thin air.


how we wish the feeling would be that easy to get rid off. 


I would have not written this article if with a snap of my finger the pain just disappeared that night, the day after, a week after, a month after.


THe things they told you for you to dump them, or they just dumped you, sinks in to your head every time you open your eyes makes every waking time hard to bear. You would wish you haven't and you could have continued on sleeping. And you get to think of every thing that had happened, over and over again.  THe happy memories bouncing everywhere on your head wanting to be reminisced and at the same time wanting to be forgotten. You get to compare it to the reasons why they'd left and You'd ask yourself, if you did do something wrong? What if you did this, you did that? What if you stayed. What if you told him this. 


There are so many things you actually regret.


You still feel that this isn't really happening. That this is just a dream and you keep on making your self believe that you'll get to wake up soon and it'll be fine again. HOwever even that fact makes it hard for you to bear coz deep inside you know it is REAL. The pain is real. And you just keep on ignoring it, acting as if nothing happened. 


But no matter how many times you deny it. Somewhere deep down in your emotionally and physically doomed heart you know what you had was over and there's no way to get it back. Your poor mind who's tired of bearing the thoughts, feels so alone that you end up crying coz there's nothing to whom it can confide its burdens. ANd you just feel so hopeless and helpless.


LOving is a mixture of emotions, really. It is surrendering. That we often get hurt cause we try to pour everything into it and we forget to leave things for ourselves that was why we want them back when they're gone, even though we know they don't want to come back anymore. For the very fact that we did and gave everything to that relationship we had, no matter what kind of relationship that was... we entrusted them our lives. Not just a part of it but our WHOLE LIVES.


We made them our WORLD, that when they get to find their real world, they'd move on and they'd to leave. Forgetting that they meant that much to us. 


When you love someone, you tend to be selfish and you are unaware of that. You'll get to realize it when you've lost it. Plus, wanting them back makes the act selfish, you see they no longer want to be back... why would you force them? It only make things complicated.


We love people more than we love ourselves. We love them genuinely that we get hurt, there is no question to that. It's just that, there comes a point when we'd have to love ourselves more than we used to. More than anything else, to be able to keep ourselves from being torn apart.


And loving ourselves means, moving forward without looking back. Sometimes, we'd have to leave everything behind... all those things that remind us of them. But only for a while. You have to keep them inside a trunk and when everything is fine and you feel free, without all those burdens you could unravel them again and take a look at them again. They're a part of you. Permanently. You cannot erase them. Memories are not temporary. They are unchanging. And that's what make things hard. 


But nevertheless, let go. Take a deep breath and let go of that rope connecting you to that pain... to those things if necessary for you. 


When it's no longer worth it to hold on, let it go. So you'll be able to get a grip of something else aside from that. Those new things might bring you more joy. It would be painful to LET GO. YEs. 


But you just have to.



The feeling will always be there... but maybe it'll no longer be painful.


</3 </3 </3 </3 </3


YOu know that fact, when people change, they don't get to be the same old person they used to even though they come back. 


And this time, here's the scenario. he had changed... and he's never going back to being the man i loved and i'm loving. I'd have to make myself realize every time that the man i have shared everything with was gone. And the person i'm seeing now, is just an alter ego of him. 


Maybe It might help me bear the pain. 


i THINK ID HAVE TO SETTLE LOW FOR A WHILE UNTIL THE PAIN IS GONE... I STARE AT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THEY'RE LEADING ME TO YOU...


IT WILL HEAL.


AND I'D BE HAPPY TO KNOW ONE DAY WE'RE BACK TO BEING FRIENDS. 


OR IF NOT, MAYBE BACK TO BEING CIVIL.




I will love you all my life. You know that.


I'LL ALWAYS DO.


*sigh*


THANK YOU


AND I AM LETTING GO.

Wizard band. Wizard rock.

I found this   link on www.mugglenet.com

and i find it cool.^_^

Indeed, the one who made this is awesome.. and has pure talent. i really love  how they made the Harry potter phenomenon a legend thru  its looks.

the harry potter series would have been more awesome if it really had this wizard band scene. although it would have been a lot different.  ha-ha.

I

I could  imagine the death eaters rocking. LOL 

  

and this one is my favourite.. 

Yeah, Snape.. YOu rock.. tahaha..

Always.

want more, just click the link..

9 Classic Album Covers Re-Imagined With 'Harry Potter' Characters

chocolates means interesting facts

I am sleepy again. I have had six hours of sleep and i still crave for more. However i had to get up to do some stuffs or else i won't be able to do anything else again.

I just wanna share my experience at work. It was fun. We're on training which had started last week, Thursday morning at 12:30 AM and ends at 8:30 AM. The schedule was great though we couldn't help our eyes from shutting even for a few seconds only. And truth be told... whenever the clock strikes 7AM, that's the time we feel sleepy the most. XD nyahaha.

The other day we were asked to share things about ourselves depending on the number of chocolates we chose from one to five. Some of my colleagues chose one, lucky them and some did choose five - they're luckier. Ha-ha. I chose two, that was why i got to share two interesting facts about myself. I got a hard time thinking on what to tell them. I was asking myself why i didn't choose five cause i love chocolates above any other flavours. Hahaha. But i was quite lucky. =P I'd go mad thinking about what to add to the things i have said.

So you're probably excited to know what i have told them. I don't really know if its interesting or not. Here it goes.

First, I was a gymnast when i was in elementary. I was in grade 4 when me and my bestfriend then, Kim had tried for the gymnastics team in our school. I had no idea i could do cartwheels, bending and splitting. But kids do really have elastic bones during those years. As i grew up, i lost that ability and i can no longer do cartwheels as good as before. I am not as flexible as before. Sadly, it would have been great if i was able to maintain it. So that's one. But it was great that once in my life i could say i was able to do them. LOL.

Second, this blog knows it... but i have this attitude towards sleeping. At night even though i am really sleepy, i tend not to go to sleep coz i find it such a waste of time. It isn't obvious however, i was kinda stuck with the idea that i can do a lot of things during the period that i am asleep. That when you fall asleep it makes time run fast. I know that i really need it. Not just me but everyone however i couldn't fight that idea. When you get to study growth and development of children, you'll see that they have this kind of attitude that they don't wanna go to sleep coz they get to miss things out. Well, that is how i feel although i love to sleep. =P

There goes my two chocolates. We were promised to be given two real chocolates. Yum yum.

You know what, i am thankful that i have people to talk to plus i got to share myself to them cause it helps me in releasing the tensions and burdens i have. I am working plus i am having a group therapy at the same time which is really good.^_^

I'd like to share one more... i am more comfortable sleeping with socks on. I grew up having that kind of habit. Of wearing my socks as i go to sleep even though it isn't cold. They make me feel safe and secured. ^_^. How odd are these facts. LOL.

So start counting your chocolates and start spilling those interesting facts about you.. ^_^

That's all for now, i am off to my dad's office. Ciao.

time to grow

TIME TO GROW

by: Lemar

My friend, Cristy suggested this song to me last night but i was at work so i was not able to listen to it. 

It is a beautiful song.

And i want to share it to all.

It made me smile. ^_^

even though it's a sad love song.

enjoy listening to it..

video courtesy by lazie2004 on youtube

one more chance

I am sharing this beautiful movie synopsis.

AN animated version of the Filipino movie ONE MORE CHANCE

starring Bea Alonzo and John Lloyd Cruz.

hmmm, i just can relate to it.. and forever will be.

*sigh*

we had four years and he had to give it up coz he isn't who i thought he is anymore.

it is always a choice, right? and he chose that way coz it's where his heart had led him. 

Too bad, it didn't led him to me.

it just saddens me.

And maybe Flong's right that he did me a great favor.

Okay. He must have.

but i still love him.

and i'll always will.

MAHAL NA MAHAL KASE KITA, KAHIT ANSAKIT SAKIT NA.