For ANYONE who has ever LOVED and LOST

Way back, when you say Nat, it gets associated with love. So inlove. Now, it just means nothing. it may even mean, SADness.


I miss how it feels waking up in the morning thinking that somewhere, you know someone's thinking of you, too. Not just thinking but somehow wants to be with you at that very moment, too. 


i'd go straight forward.
I miss waking up in the morning and he Bryan would be the first person that would hit my mind and i'll just smile.


This one'u for people oututhere who could not let go but are trying their very best to at least move even just a little forward - just like the ever depressed and still smiling author of this lovely and gloomy blog. 


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Hmmm. What if for years you had lived with that kind of attitude. That everyday, upon waking up you'll grab your phone and send them a message hoping it'll brightened their day and they'll do the same. Even though they won't reply back, your day'll be complete coz you know they feel the same way. Even though you don't get to talk to each other often, you get to see each other once or twice a week, you still feel they care a lot. That they're always there when you need them. 


And now you wake up, you think of them. However, instead of feeling that jolt of happiness inside, you get to think of the pain. Of not having them around no matter how much you want to. You just feel so alone coz the person who told you, they'd be there no matter what happens, was  gone. What's worst is, they were even the ones who left when they promised they'd never.


Indeed, sometimes those who promise to stay are the ones who often leave. WHile those who don't say anything, stays and shares with you the burdens of life.


Remember those moments when they told you they like you, they love you. Those times when they told you your life would  be better if you'd allow them to be beside you. THose promises they got to fulfill and those that they had forgotten. Those sorry thingies and those i miss you's they get to say when they feel it. THose you complete me's, you're mine, you're my world, we'll be together forever, i'll never get tired of loving you. THE PROMISE THAT THEY LOVE YOU, NO BUTS, NO IFS. THose are memories that are no longer worth the tears nor the time. THose are memories which are needed to be packed inside a trash bin and burned so that its ashes will be dispersed and its smoke will just disappear in thin air.


how we wish the feeling would be that easy to get rid off. 


I would have not written this article if with a snap of my finger the pain just disappeared that night, the day after, a week after, a month after.


THe things they told you for you to dump them, or they just dumped you, sinks in to your head every time you open your eyes makes every waking time hard to bear. You would wish you haven't and you could have continued on sleeping. And you get to think of every thing that had happened, over and over again.  THe happy memories bouncing everywhere on your head wanting to be reminisced and at the same time wanting to be forgotten. You get to compare it to the reasons why they'd left and You'd ask yourself, if you did do something wrong? What if you did this, you did that? What if you stayed. What if you told him this. 


There are so many things you actually regret.


You still feel that this isn't really happening. That this is just a dream and you keep on making your self believe that you'll get to wake up soon and it'll be fine again. HOwever even that fact makes it hard for you to bear coz deep inside you know it is REAL. The pain is real. And you just keep on ignoring it, acting as if nothing happened. 


But no matter how many times you deny it. Somewhere deep down in your emotionally and physically doomed heart you know what you had was over and there's no way to get it back. Your poor mind who's tired of bearing the thoughts, feels so alone that you end up crying coz there's nothing to whom it can confide its burdens. ANd you just feel so hopeless and helpless.


LOving is a mixture of emotions, really. It is surrendering. That we often get hurt cause we try to pour everything into it and we forget to leave things for ourselves that was why we want them back when they're gone, even though we know they don't want to come back anymore. For the very fact that we did and gave everything to that relationship we had, no matter what kind of relationship that was... we entrusted them our lives. Not just a part of it but our WHOLE LIVES.


We made them our WORLD, that when they get to find their real world, they'd move on and they'd to leave. Forgetting that they meant that much to us. 


When you love someone, you tend to be selfish and you are unaware of that. You'll get to realize it when you've lost it. Plus, wanting them back makes the act selfish, you see they no longer want to be back... why would you force them? It only make things complicated.


We love people more than we love ourselves. We love them genuinely that we get hurt, there is no question to that. It's just that, there comes a point when we'd have to love ourselves more than we used to. More than anything else, to be able to keep ourselves from being torn apart.


And loving ourselves means, moving forward without looking back. Sometimes, we'd have to leave everything behind... all those things that remind us of them. But only for a while. You have to keep them inside a trunk and when everything is fine and you feel free, without all those burdens you could unravel them again and take a look at them again. They're a part of you. Permanently. You cannot erase them. Memories are not temporary. They are unchanging. And that's what make things hard. 


But nevertheless, let go. Take a deep breath and let go of that rope connecting you to that pain... to those things if necessary for you. 


When it's no longer worth it to hold on, let it go. So you'll be able to get a grip of something else aside from that. Those new things might bring you more joy. It would be painful to LET GO. YEs. 


But you just have to.



The feeling will always be there... but maybe it'll no longer be painful.


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YOu know that fact, when people change, they don't get to be the same old person they used to even though they come back. 


And this time, here's the scenario. he had changed... and he's never going back to being the man i loved and i'm loving. I'd have to make myself realize every time that the man i have shared everything with was gone. And the person i'm seeing now, is just an alter ego of him. 


Maybe It might help me bear the pain. 


i THINK ID HAVE TO SETTLE LOW FOR A WHILE UNTIL THE PAIN IS GONE... I STARE AT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THEY'RE LEADING ME TO YOU...


IT WILL HEAL.


AND I'D BE HAPPY TO KNOW ONE DAY WE'RE BACK TO BEING FRIENDS. 


OR IF NOT, MAYBE BACK TO BEING CIVIL.




I will love you all my life. You know that.


I'LL ALWAYS DO.


*sigh*


THANK YOU


AND I AM LETTING GO.