“She believed she could do it, so she did.”

Monday, December 12, 2011

...where my rainbow ends


It is not new for me to be crying on a December. For the past years on the same month i have spent some ample time musing over things which made me breakdown. Nevertheless, i am having one of my loneliest Decembers ever. I have never felt more alone in my life. I could not count how many times have I burst into sobs. How many times have i cried myself to sleep? *shrugs*

How many times have I wished that I’d be just my old happy self again.

I have learned how to silently deal with the pain. I have learned how to tell stories a lot of times and on how to really display i am doing great. I am because people never really saw me cry. A lot have seen me shed tears, yes. But, the cry which is not being contained - no one ever did. And if only my room could speak it would tell you how hard it is for me to be watching myself every night shut these eyes with fingers crossed that i would directly sleep and not think of anything else anymore. If only my pillows could talk, it would take you forever for them to be able to narrate how I would squeeze them every time I would feel helpless.

It seemed like i delighted so much in the pain now that it grew as a habit. It is an illness. And soon enough it will turn out to be a disease - a contagious one.

I would like to say sorry.
Sorry that i was selfish, i forgot to think about how you would feel, for i let the pain i was feeling to eat me up. I apologize for whatever pain i have caused you or for whatever change i have brought because things got out of control. I sincerely apologize. It's what i have been meaning to do all along. I really am sorry.

It felt like i have been writing a fiction right from the outset. And how i wish everything was fictional right now.

So, I am going to close my eyes and dream where my rainbow ends.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Check Mate


Today i wanted to rant about the game Chess.
It is one of the few sports that interest me.
A strategic game that i really enjoy playing. Not because it doesn't require much physical efforts such as running (which definitely isn't my thing), throwing, striking or hitting balls. It just involves using your mind to its fullest extent, then your carpals and metacarpals.

credit to owner
To some, when you usually say Chess, the players are the “geekiests” of the geeks, those who are bored of their lives who has nothing else to do but to sit all day and those who want to spend all their energy thinking and staring at the wood, plastic or glass pieces whatever kind of chess set they have. That is actually a wrong connotation about it. People even think it is boring because of what the players’ do- they just sit there facing the chess board and their opponent waiting for each other's moves. Boohoo, of course that is dull - for those who can't appreciate the effort that your opponent is busy thinking for their next move to take you down.

Well, I grew up playing chess at home aside from basketball. It was actually one of the many reasons why me and my older brother, Mike, used to quarrel before. You know the usual problem with chess games. "Touch moves" or "mate" and neither of us doesn't want to give up the fight and we would end up arguing. I remember that whenever we would play, he would always choose the white pieces because to him they're stronger and the black pieces are for losers and i get to have them. Another of those wrong images embedded in our young minds wherein you just have one of those few sibling rivalry moments on who's better and who's weaker. Hmmmm. Who would want to be called weak? Huh? Do you? *raised eyebrow* i bet you wouldn't want that, right? Coz up until now, i hate it. =P Although me and my brother doesn't play chess anymore because he has his basketball to preoccupy him and he never really liked my game.

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So it was Dad who taught us how to play the game. We would play chess together whenever we have common time and he's not busy when we were just little tykes. Of course, we're just kids then. He usually wins. Though i want to thank him for teaching me how to play this awesome sport because i grew up liking and loving it more. Ralph, my younger brother also loved this game. It's LOVED, because he lost the urge to play when he learnt computer games. But just to share some facts about him with this game, we used to play together for practice. And he used to play the game, too, when he was in elementary until he lost the urge to join try outs when he reached high school.

Hmmm. I was a chess player back in elementary. But i admit it, i was not that good (it just so happened that there are not much girls who liked the game - they preferred badminton or other ball games). And when high school came, i never won try outs just like what i have mentioned about Ralph that i never wanted to try anymore. Then came college, and i wanted to try my luck again. I was fortunate that i got in the team and i managed to be a player for the rest of my college years starting second year. It was one field that i found i was good at and i have been looking forward to every year. Set aside the free shirt they give you when you're a player, the free attendance (that i don't really have to make an effort in falling in line and waiting for my turn early in the morning or before i go home in the afternoon, free snacks and lunch (which helps a lot before because i was trying my very best to earn money so i could have extra penny to spend when me and my friends would go out or i would like to buy something). However, what really mattered then was the fun we had during that 3-day games and the bond that was developed with other colleges. I miss them. We were not just there to uplift the name of the college we came from but to have fun and gain friends. And we did.

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Chess is not the usual boring game but to me one of the highest level of sport. It is an exhausting mind game. (Ahhhh, I am tiiiiiiired...) Did you know that you also burn calories when you think? (hmmm, not so sure =P But i think i am right). But there comes a point when you experience headache, which is already one sign that you need a break and you've exhausted your neurons too much and it's already overwhelming them. Enough of that.

With this game, you think of the fastest but surest way to knock your opponent down. Although i do not play chess in a fast pace. If you'd watch me play, you'd be bored. Coz i tend to think so looooooooong for my moves. I don't know why but it makes me really think. I really push myself to have the best move i can have. To the point that i talk to myself in silence while i have my right hand on my jaw.

"C'mon Antonette. MOVE!!!!. Your time is running out. La-la-la-la-la-la. What are you doing?"

or i'd end up singing or humming songs while rubbing my eyes with my thumb and pointing / middle finger.

I know it's crazy... that self talk thing is creepy. And when i play, once in a while i glance at my opponent then back to the pieces again- it makes them conscious(super stare. It makes them think that you were up to something).

You know what? I guess my slowness is an advantage for me. Whenever my opponent is winning and then i just start watching all the pieces for minutes (which really eats up my time and it's as if the pieces would move on their own or tell me, "Hey. Pick me. Choose me coz i'm the right move. Put me there, there, there.") - say 5 minutes for just one move and that is really long enough - my opponent would just die of waiting because they just want to WIN WIN WIN. It just helps in reducing the stress and putting up a so-called "good fight" because you're prolonging your own agony and the excitement of your enemy (tahahaha. EVIL LAUGH).  At that point in time, you can really see the glint in the eyes of the player when they know they're winning which is another pressure for you. But basically, you're just waiting for your time to run out or trying your best to turn the game around and win it (if fate is on your side).

What i really like when i play is when you find a flaw in the game and then you act as if you're losing but you have already planned your moves. Wow, you just turn into the best actress you can be. The point where you seemed to do not know what you're moving anymore and you're just waiting for your opponent to bite the trap because they are excited. Sometimes, when they are so excited they are focused in those moves that would make them win and they wouldn't think of anything else. They would expect you to move something and then you wouldn't which will definitely ruin their chance. But hey, don't be so sure that they wouldn't know what you're doing because half of the time, the players are so damn good that you stand no chance against them no matter what you do.

Well, enough of the things i somehow learned in my 3 years of playing chess. I hope you learned something or you might have been doing some of the things i said.

credit to owner
 Playing this sport is a passion for me. During practice games even though I say i will not take this game seriously and it's just for fun, I’d end up thinking too much and the game would last for an hour or more. I was not a great chess player as i told you earlier. I never had trainings nor any lessons about it basically because i didn't have time to go on training and i never thought of it. I was satisfied that i know how. However, the idea that those who took trainings know their next 7 moves, know what move to take to block something etc etc amazed me. Admit it, that amazed you, too, right?

Chess is a game of luck they say. (but is this really a game of luck when others really know what next move to take).

You have to tear down all those barriers just to get close to the King on the other side. Okay, one wrong move and it could be over. (But this doesn't really mean that you have to waste your time over thinking what pieces to move because you're afraid about your opponent's response). You have to watch all your pieces, don't just focus on some part or on one piece. You have to balance everything, move all the pieces that could help you. There is a tendency for some players to hide those pieces that they think would really make them win (like the queen, rook) while giving up those pawn pieces (i tell you, pawns are one of the most important pieces in chess aside from the King). And one great fight for me are those games wherein the King would be checked by a pawn.

credit to owner
So it's time for me to end this one because I’ve said too much.


What really counts in this kind of game is that you put up a good fight. You don't always have to win the game. You just have to keep it fair, great and worth it of the time because you would find it satisfying when you've given your best in the war even though you lost it.

It's not all about who won but who put up a brave fight. You don't have to surrender because as long as you have something to move there's hope. Just like life. You weigh all the consequences of one move and then base the next move from its result. It's taking risks. Jumping off the cliff to see what's at the bottom. Until you find what's on the end wherein you can no longer make a next move because it's "CHECKMATE".

Sunday, December 4, 2011

...rummaging my trunk again


i was back to doing one of my favourite past times last night. And i rummaged through my things on my last year in college. It's a bit odd to see them again. I haven't had the chance to touch them on where i have placed them for the last seven months. I happened to have been looking for some extra notebook that i have not used and I can use. Then i bumped unto my old Social Science notebook.

I have written a lot in it, based from what i have seen as i plopped it open. Just like how you check your notes, you first check what's in it and then proceed at the back portion if things were written, scribbled or doodled on it. I have preserved what were doodled in those pages coz that's what a student does when they get bored in class. It was his doodles once he borrowed it from me. Written all over a page were KESO, KESO KESO, KESONAICHI. And i smiled to see them there. Though i know they're only doodles.

Nevertheless, it spoke something into my heart again.
I miss having him around. I miss telling and sharing him things.
I know why i could never be one of his closest friends.
It's too much of me to ask.
But he was the only person whom i have shared things before and i miss it.
I miss the listener i used to have.
I miss my friend.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

rantings and stuff....


I was ranting the other night.. Was supposed to post this but my laptop doesn't have it's own connection to the internet.

^_________________^

It's actually midnight.My beady eyes doesn't still want to go to sleep though i have already yawned a lot of times. And i guess an illness is on its way since i'm starting to experience qome throat soreuess. I'm lyinguin my bed righu now and still my back aches. Sigh. This is no longer a good sign. I have gone too far ignoring proper posture that i've been experiencing this back ache more often nowadays. And if only i could spend a teeny weeny bit of effort to drag my feet into a massage parlor or into the hospital's physical therapy department so i can indulge myself with massage even just for once but i just couldn't. My muscles are already tired and have stiffened, they really need to loosen up yet I am too lazy to leave the house for things like that. Pokes my silly brain, i'd rather sit all day in front of the computer and play, blog or just stare at the television and watch.

I so need to try to run again for a hundred meters. I haven't done that in ages - the last time i did was when we were still in our second year. When me, Matt, Nikko, Topher and Px would go run around the oval at the Marcos Stadium every after class then we'll go home by 8:00. I remember how annoying they could be, they'd choose to walk our way to the jeepney station which was really kilometers away from the stadium. And that was to annoy me. Tahahaha. But those days were treasured days i've had with them. They were my pals during and i didn't care if i was the only girl. I know i was. And they were my brothers. But there's still the boyish part inside of me who'd choose to hang out with boys. I was used to them. And i actually missed them now. Too bad i was not able to save the photographs we've had during our first and second year days. They were all uploaded in Friendster and that social networking site vanished into thin air and came back as a gaming site. Awww. gone were those memories. Sigh. If only i cared to spare a minute of my time during the review last summer, i could have saved loads of them if not all. They were ones of the most precious memories i have ever had and they are very visible in my mind as i write this one.

The thought of It is just annoying me right now. Terrible. They couqd have atleastqstored those fiues somewhere elue, not just erase them like it didn't matter to people. I know i've had a fault there of not saving them. And i am ranting because things didn't go the way i wanted it to be. Everything that was uploaded in Friendster before have a back up file saved in a disk. See? I was ready. But,i lent it to Ed Von so he could pick some photos for the capping and pinning Ceremony 2009 to use and he never returned them back. Telling me he couldn't find them. SO what happened to them, then? Did they just vanished like that? In the very first place it was his responsibility to take good care of those disks. And it really pisses me off because those were our life. Those 2disks i lent him, with the promise that he'd return them afterwardq showed how ituwas to live durung those times.uIt showed how happy we were. I remember i even made a commercial of us at Mcdonald's Laoag in the tune of "Someday" by Sugar ray. Gosh. And that reminds me i so should have a copy of them again. There's no way i am not gonna see those pictures and videos again. (Which now leads me to the only solution i know to this ranting - RUthlyn.) She copied those files and got them burned in a disk for herself too. And i am crossing my fingers that her copies are all well right now. My only problem would be, how will i be able to borrow her copy when infact we haven't seen each other since April. Oh, this is just awful. =(

We'll find a way.

So now i think i better head to bed. I know, i know. I've said too much that we came from not being able to sleep, to having massage, exercise down to photos and videos. I still have a lot of things to say here but i have to cut it now because it would be nice to enjoy my slumber, too.

and before i leave you
here's the song... SOMEDAY by SUGAR RAY..
I love it..CLASSIC.



So CIao.
=)




Friday, December 2, 2011

Day 9: The Colour Changing Quill


I feel awful. I found myself crying while browsing the web, watching television.
I turned them off and headed to my room to think it's only 8:30 in the evening.
I curled to bed and buried my head among the pile of pillows i have. Then i realized i found it hard to breathe. It's too painful. I've been crying silently under my covers and been trying to hide from the whole house my muffled cry.

I hated feeling the pain. I wanted it to go away.
i'm tired of it.
i can't bear it anymore.

i don't even know what to write anymore, i just wanna cry because it hurts like hell. like it's crushing me. like it's choking me.
and i'm dying. every single time.
it's killing me.

i don't know where the tears are coming from.
i'm doomed. i can even feel them while my eyes are closed.
i'm sorry i just don't have anyone to turn to right now. and i have to let it out.
And to think, it's the time I need them the most. 
Just someone to listen. To talk to.

coz i'm confused.
coz i am not okay.

i am not.