A Reminder

I was actually looking for motivation tonight because I am pressured about a lot of things and I am not actually a fan of it. Whenever I feel like that, i lose control of things and tries to drift away from everything just so i can find my solitude again. Now i realize I was finding comfort from so many things and then it hit me that I was doing it all wrong. I popped open a book and it brought me to this exact page which I badly needed reminding.


God is in Control.


“If you just take all the pressures off your shoulder and give it to God, it will be easier for you”.


So I did, and I couldn’t be more relieved.


Now I just wanted to share a short but sweet story of how amazing My God is. That when I remember that scenario, it paints a smile on my face. It is a scenario of reminding me that God's actions in my life comes in every little way. It is quite ironic how out of all the big things in life, the small things usually leave the greatest impact.


Here goes...


It was a usual weekday morning for me. I had to walk my way to the station to catch some ride. The weather was great, the sky was clear and clouds brushed the sky in feathery-like forms. The glorious sun was shining brightly, it was getting hotter as the day progressed. I didn’t bring my umbrella that day with fingers crossed that the rain wouldn’t pour. I crossed the busy street when the stop light reached the red light and waited at the other end for my ride. At that exact time, an old man I have never even met came out of nowhere, and stood in front of me. I wondered why he did that. The man wore a white shirt, shorts and slippers and he carried a small sling bag for a purse. Pardon me for saying this but just so you’d know what I mean when I met him, the man looked so ordinary, even like a homeless person. (I know I was being judgmental but you couldn’t blame me for it because I got traumatized once with an encounter like that). I hope you got the picture. But after what happened i realized he actually is special. *smiles*


A few seconds later, he opened his umbrella. At the back of my head I was asking myself if he was doing that on purpose? I stepped back and avoided the shade his umbrella provided. When you wanted to avoid the sun exposure it was such a naïve thing to do but it was a precaution for me. 


The old man then turned to me and said, “No, it’s okay. Just stay under the shade.” I was surprised. “We still have to wait for a few minutes for the ride and it is hot.”


His actions were not actually what I expected. I thought he’d just let me stay under the sun’s hot rays like most of us would do. I was embarrassed really because I have had my final say about him moments ago without even knowing his intention. I apologized to God and said thank you to the man.  It was another thing to be grateful for, the old man who offered me a shade without even knowing who I was.


We parted ways when our ride came, he went to sit beside the driver and I went at the back but that simple act of kindness was actually enough to keep me smiling the whole day. Enough to keep me overwhelmed with love from God that I couldn’t stop thanking Him for bringing ordinary people like him into my life to remind me that I am never alone.


In that scene, why can't we just be thankful? Why do we have to question things so much?

That scene was God’s way of telling me He will never abandon me, that He is watching me and is always on my side.


You see how our perceptions change us when we think of negative thoughts instead of positive ones? When we try to over analyze? We tend to neglect the small blessings in life because we expect big ones, those things that come with a bang. But God’s blessings are actually surrounding us if we only know how to appreciate them. We’ll realize that every single second is something to be thankful for.


It’s like asking for a sign. Oftentimes we do that, we ask for so many things, for endless signs but no matter how many signs abound around us, it will all be worthless and useless if we don’t know how to read them… if we don’t know how to acknowledge them… if we don’t know how to listen to God.  


So try to reflect on things, maybe the sign is already there.


...and I thank that man.

Happy Beginning

After quite some time i have decided i might as well revert back to blogging. I miss writing my thoughts and having something to look back to and read (when i have forgotten who i am). This is actually me, the Nat who writes her thoughts of the world (not actually caring whether how shifty her tenses are, LOL) and shares them hoping i'd inspire people. But then, whether or not i do, i'll find relief that my thoughts are out there and not just curled up in some pages of my old notebooks or kept to myself. You know what happens when you've got too much ideas in your mind, they all buzz like a bee and the noise is just too much to handle. So here i am, keeping this blog alive again. And i want to start by being honest to myself.


Okay, i admit. I am in the midst of a midlife crisis. It is part of a process young adult undergoes. I am afraid of the future and what it holds, afraid that everything is too late. Well, not really late late (if you know what i mean). I'd be lying if i say i am not afraid, though i know am not supposed to be. It's just that, when you stop for a moment to watch the things around you, you'll realize what i mean... probably understand me, too. There's too much going on and all i wanted was to break free because i felt like a prisoner. I can't say that is how it was meant to be. However i think of it and i see me, so far from the person who i used to be. I have changed which is quite good, but so far from what i actually wanted to be. Yet, i still looked forward to better days. 


Until it didn't feel like that anymore.


I couldn't see myself in the process. I was there but i no longer am. So i asked myself what is wrong. I didn't actually find any answers because i was trying too hard to find the obvious. Though i've got a mind full of ideas, i knew i was already empty.


I remembered a lesson a friend once told me, in moments when you feel like it is not worth it anymore, you just have to hold on and overcome that phase. But then she told me of another one, that, if you have done your best in trying to change something for the better and still it didn't work, then perhaps it is time to give yourself a chance to find the change in yourself and stop trying to change things. Quite confusing actually to me, but it is in how we perceive it that we can fully understand what is there to be understood. 


Now, at moments like those, when i really don't know what to do now, i seek refuge in His promises and comfort myself that out of the things that have happened, something good will definitely come out of them.


It might not be the best ending i pictured in my mind, but it was enough. I have regrets, yes. Who doesn't have when we are all human? But i don't want to dwell on them anymore. Those regrets will just do me no good so i am scratching them off my mind because they will only pull me back to being better. I want to focus on the positive. I want to live my life the way He wants me to and that is forward, to where His promises await. 


That old cliche saying that goes, once you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you, couldn't be more suitable right now. 


I am trying to rationalize things, yeah. But hey, this is me closing that chapter of my life and moving forward to a whole new one which i know is as exciting and wonderful as His plans. This is me, giving myself a chance for a happy beginning.


I know God has better things ahead for me. And i can't wait to unravel them, in His perfect time. 


-Nat

Into the darkness

Wow.
Here is why i hated resisting the Sandman's visit.
After some time of sulking
Whether to write or not to write my thoughts.
I finally gave in.
So here I am
Trying to scribble my jumbled thoughts to free up some space.
And just like that.
The wall i have been trying to keep shattered with just a snap.
Apart from the throbbing headache this bad case of neck strain's causing.
All the emotions came rushing in
And my heart couldn't handle it like how i used to.
And i was not invincible.
I was pretty vulnerable.
So vulnerable.
That i succumbed to it.
And i let the feelings engulf me.
Until i decided to give it a rest.
And i remembered that thought.
That funny thought which made sense.
"Close your eyes and stare into the darkness."
And in someway, staring into it soothed me.
It prevented the tears from falling.
I breathed.
I prayed.
And my storming heart calmed.
I opened my eyes and darkness i see.
I began to feel Mr. Sandman's thug.
Wanting me for now, to close my eyes.
Feeling the weariness inside me.
So again i stared into the darkness.

-Nat

The Tale as Old as Time

This post took me a month beofre i could post it. The hype of TBATB has already died by now but i wanted to share this.

------------------

"How does a moment last forever?

How can a story never die?

It is love we must hold onto

Never easy but we try"

We all know that disney movies are about happily ever afters and such. In this world already filled with despair and hurt, everybody dreams of their own disney tale. Everyone wants their own happy ending.

Having read the story a thousand times, i pay my respect and i commend the people behind the classic tale for not dissapointing the believers of hope and love.

"Sometimes our happiness is captured

Somehow, a place and time stand still

Love lives on inside our hearts

And always will"

It actually has the most beautiful music score from all of the disney films. That's for me. *winks* Indeed, The soundtrack touches hearts but it somehow goes beyond what we can see and hear. It stirs emotions... thoughts... memories. Though, these kind of films are about damsels in distress and how they find their prince charmings who'd sweep them off their feet, it has a much deeper story line like any other walt disney films. This one showed how little people thought of the world and of other people. In the story it emphasizes the beauty of literacy, of books and reading and how they appear to make a small corner of one's world seem so much more. The plot revolves around memories and one's willingness to be free from the tangles that holds them from realizing their potentials and are sometimes set by the kind of life we live in. Our idiocracy is the very notion that hinders us from our dreams. 

It has a lot of lessons... lessons that have been  told from one story to another.

"Maybe some moments weren't so perfect

Maybe some memories not so sweet"

Perhaps, the peculiar feeling of having Emma Watson play the lead role had somewhat to do with the feeling of nostalgia when she used to portray Hermione Granger in Harry Potter. It was odd seeing her differently. Though a few didn't love the way she sang because of her accent, still she did the character and her principle justice. 

Professor Sybill Trelawney, the Seer, is in the movie as Mrs. Potts. An applause for her for also giving a great rendition to the song that has been in every growing child's music library.

"But we have to know some bad times

Or our lives are incomplete"

It was  hard to be holding back tears through out the movie but i got a good grip of myself. I thank it though for bringing me back to my childhood because I was from the era of disney on videotapes. It allowed my thoughts to travel back to those good old days when Papa, Mike and I would rent video tapes from the nearest store.  I dug down memory lane and visited the memories of my childhood... to those days when life was sweeter and easier. 

"Then when the the shadows overtake us

Just when we feel all hope is gone

We'll hear our song and know once more

Our love lives on"

But what does the story really tells us?

It is the very fact that love sees beyond all flaws and mistakes. It chooses to forgive... to continue to love. And it endures everything forever. That genuine kind of love that you can rarely see nowadays. Like all Disney tales, it makes you hope that in this world filled with pretentious people somewhere, somehow that kind of love exists. It lives on. 

I have a vivid thought about the tale of love. I believe in second chances, of forgiveness and the ability of people to change. Now, i couldn't help but think of that very same feeling which makes me joyous and sad at the same time and it makes me smile. 

It will always be enough.

"But when all else has been forgotten

Still our song lives on"

The Night Bus

I just came from a 9 hour trip again, i barely had rest. It gets pretty tiring but i got used to it by now. I'd just need a quick nap after and i can go back to my daily jam.

You know the bus from the Harry Potter movie?

The creepy bus for magic folks who has no where to go? The knight bus, yes. I have wished for the knight bus a million times if only it existed. It was for magic folks who have nowhere else to go for the night. haha. I wanted to feel like a cast away. Where i know nothing on where i am headed and where am i. 

They say, "you have to get lost once in a while to find yourself." So i wanted to know what it was like to just get lost and find my way out of the maze alive. The closest thing to doing that is by just hopping on a bus one night, unplanned, with a knapsack filled with clothes i just crammed for the last 30 minutes, enough to save me from doing the laundry for the upcoming days. It was a relief doing so. It was on my bucket list.

I only get to travel once in a while. Unfortunately, on the same routes over and over again. Most of the time i enjoy getting a break from my work but if i look at it, it gets kinda boring. Traversing the same path again, nothing new. But, this is what i can do for now. Someday, it will be different. I know.

One friend of mine once told me that buses are for emotional people so she never took buses when off to somewhere. She'd pertain to the long bus ride, where you have nothing else to do but reflect over things. She'd rather schedule a flight because it is faster and easier. But tell me, there is something with bus rides right? I remember then, i'd often ride the bus because somehow it made me feel better when i wake up. I let my eyes well up during the ride till i get to sleep. It's like bringing the rain with me during my trips. Hahahah. Everytime i leave the things that worries me are left behind and new things await. 

I always travel during the night. Most of the time i just hop into a bus heading to my destination and off i go. I rarely do reservations. It doesn't matter if i have to wait for hours till i find a seat. I think there is a thrill with it when you don't have a schedule. You don't have to chase your time because it is yours to enjoy. It makes me feel like i am off to an adventure. Ha-ha. Crazy me. 

Most people hate the bus bore, but i am quite fascinated of long rides except when i am in a hurry. The long ride allows me to mull over things and of course my favourite, to sleep. Though i sleep most of the time, i get time to think of things while listening to songs or perhaps i have with me a book to accompany me for the ride.

Okay. 

Might as well cut this one short. It has been pending on my list for quite a long time now i just thought i'd share it. Teehee.

Share to me what fascinates you as well. Or what you usually do during your long bus trips. 

Ciao.

Random comeback post

*Cheers*

It feels really odd to be back here. As always, i have a lot in mind but i can't quite figure out what to really say. *breathes* The ticking sound of the keyboard seemed too familiar, it appears to be calming my nerves. I have known the keys for so long, i missed them terribly. Along with it plays the song, Perfect Words by Kylie Padilla which i just got addicted to recently.

I have work in a few hours, but here i am, with eyes wide open voicing out the crazy thoughts inside my head because i am hoping that somehow going back to blogging will help me come up with something productive. I badly need it right now. The hype i feel when i start to write something, dies down after a few minutes, which is why this article is starting to be another thought dumping post. Nevermind.

It's cold tonight, much colder than the previous nights but not as cold as the ones before it.

So much has changed... i look around me and i couldn't  help but wonder. Now, this i remember, back to the nights of endless wondering, the only difference is i have something to look forward to in the morning.

You know that scene in the movie where, you can hear the thoughts of the characters? that is exactly how i feel right now as i write this shifty and vague post. But yeah, this is how i used to be, i used to talk to myself through this blog so maybe i can try to bring it back.

Right now, i am trying to upload as much photos as possible from our Christmas party before i totally hit the sack. I now realise how heavy the files are it's taken me an hour to browse through the first disc. Double the time for uploading them. I don't think i can wait for it all, Coz it's taking me ages, and i already began to yawn for the past 10 minutes.

Maybe i just needed to let the thoughts out.. haha... this is just really random.

i am greeting myself Happy Birthday.

and

Goodnight.