when it hurts this much inside

We went to watch the last full show of Praybeyt Benjamin last night. I know it was funny. Indeed it is however as people were laughing tears were gushing down my cheeks as i was busy reading an article Danda shared from her Iphone. Great that my hair had started to grow long again and it was dark inside that no one noticed I was already sobbing. Sigh. I just wiped my face once in a while then laughed along with the crowd. They might find it odd to see someone crying while watching a comedy.

Then I, too, realised that the movie somehow pouched again my heart. Oh my. How's that?

I've been meaning to write one proper article coz i haven't written one for a long time. However i really find it hard to do so. My writing skills have abandoned me.

Sigh.

Does one really ever move on?

Coz i seemed to have not.

Every time i tell myself, "C'mon Antonette, there are a lot guys out there. One of the million souls here on Earth is the right one for you." But even if i do that, I’ll always end up thinking of him. People even told me, just add that up to your experience. Yeah, i know. And i was even trying to open up my heart again for people to enter but i can't. I've locked people out and have always been afraid of them again.

I haven't really moved on. I am just pretending. I have always pretended that i am getting better and better as days passed by. And it feels so odd now to share to people how i truly feel.

I know it has been months.

And it is really hard to move on. And sometimes i don't know what to do with the feeling anymore. When it hurts this much inside, you won't know where to go or what to do to cover up the pain.

It was first love after all. It was one great love. It was too real.

I was just lucky that i had to feel it, but too bad i over indulged myself to it.

For I just thought I’d never lose it.

But as the line goes, "It was too good to last."

I’ve been wallowing with thoughts of him and memories of those days when we were still together. And sometimes they make me smile but more often than not it pinches the soft part of my heart and again it would sting a lot. It is indeed my option to dwell on them. And i am not supposed to be doing that. But if you're in my case, probably you would. And maybe you'd call me weak.

Hmmmu hey, it's not my fault that I am stuck here. I am trying to move but I’m glued.

And it sucks.

I pray every night. That the pain would go away.

And it would haunt me.

I least expect mom to ask about him. I guess she got it wrong. I guess she didn’t get the point that I am just posting him here in my blog coz that’s how I badly miss him.

She would always ask for him. “Where is he now? What is he doing?” She would even mention his name even if Dad is around when we’re eating or watching television. Now she even knew his sister and was asking about her, too.

And I wanted to tell her, “Stop it, Mom.” But I’d end up answering the question and diverting the topic.

And even my brother too.Once when I was asking people out to go and watch a movie he answered back, “Why don’t you invite him?” Right in front of Mom.

Yet, it was too late to introduce him to them, properly. 

But that feeling is still here. It never left me. It didn’t even move one jot.

I love him. He'll be the only man I’ll love this way even if someone would come along.

Nothing had and would ever change.

I love him even if he doesn't love me anymore.