...helpless

At this very moment, I could not contain how miserable I feel. That feeling when it seems like your mind’s processing too much all at the same time that you don’t know what to think or what to do first plus your heart pounds stronger and faster than it normally does, thus both making it hard to breathe coz you don’t even know if breathing’s one of the options. You want those feelings to stop but you can’t make them stop. You have no other choice but to breakdown and bawl in a corner. You want the tears to stop from falling but your eyes could not hold them anymore so it has no other option.

I don’t know if I am making any sense at all.

All i know is that I feel awful. I am hurting. I have no one to turn to. And I am going nuts.

I wish wiping the tears from my face would stop me from crying. I couldn’t even understand myself.

I hate this feeling. I feel helpless.

I feel like I’m drowning. In tears. Gasping for air.

Gasping for hope.

And I seriously do not know what to do.

Sigh

*Hugs myself*

it will speak for itself

I feel like I have become so silent for a very long time. It’s distressing, the fact that I can no longer spill whatever I want to say. I think have become so conscious on what other people will see in here that I forgot this used to be my outburst page whenever I feel really awful or extremely happy.

People were so used to seeing me back to my lively self again that going back to writing the sad thoughts from my head will be alarming. That must have been my very reason why i have not blogged as often as I could despite having the time. Plus the fact that I’ve learned to confide things to someone. However soon enough I’ll come back in here again to drown myself with my own miseries because I again don’t have anyone to share my thoughts and worries to.

So here I am again allowing myself to scribble what should be spoken like how things had always been.

It’s been a while since the last outburst I had.  It’s not bad to say I cried again coz it’s the truth. And I am still in tears right now though I’m trying to hide my already puffy eyes behind these reading glasses. I know it’s not helping, I just need something to mask my eyes so people won’t know at first glance. This is hard you know. I just want to cuddle in a dark corner and cry until i can cry no more coz it's what i want to do. But even that fact is hard.

*breathes* I again developed this headache aside from my eyes aching from over crying. Does over crying even exist? I don’t think so. Hmm. I feel so tired that I’d rather sleep to not feel the hurt anymore. I’ve done that. But the bad part is, I cry tremendously everytime I wake up.

It’s a tiring cycle. But what can I do? I think I just have to live with it.

Sigh.

It will always speak for itself.

Broken Thoughts

That night, my phobia of the dark came back that I had to turn the lights on with a quick run. I curled myself in a corner and wrapped myself with my blanket. I felt cold that i had to pull it tighter around me imagining that i was being hugged because i badly needed one. I need not force my eyes open for  I found it hard to sleep. Mr. Sandman finally gave me back my free time but I hated it. I was up all night thinking about things with my eyes welling up in tears. I could even barely  see through my foggy glasses. I again found it hard to breathe as the rain poured heavier by the minute in congruence to how I feel. Funny that it had to pour the moment i started crying.

I felt tired and weary.

I felt alone.

My head pounded like it’s gonna blow and I didn’t know what to do.

But I knew what I wanted.

I knew I didn’t and never wanted to go back.

I wondered how it was like to live without thinking about what's gonna happen tomorrow. That kind of feeling when you don't have anything to fear and everyday feels amazing. That you don't have to be frightened of the unknown when you're assured that you're not gonna wake up alone tomorrow with tears in your eyes and a broken heart.

What a fortunate turn out of events that history had to repeat itself. 

I tightly hugged my pillow and closed my eyes.

I, again, just got my heart broken. 

W I T H O U T Y O U

Blog world!!!

Hi there. I don’t know where I’ve been and what have i been doing that I have not blogged for a really long while and I mean loooooong coz it’s already August 21^st and the last time I posted was June. Two months of not writing and posting anything is like death to me in the blog world. This is already unacceptable. I have to revive myself back so here I am.

I have tried to write things coz there were a lot of things to blog about but i couldn't just keep my eyes open after working hours. My duties seemed to have sucked all the time in the world that i could no longer enjoy a time of my own. Except when i spend time with the people i love best. Well you know who you are but if you don't then i'll make sure you'll know.

Obviously, the title of this post says it all.

Anne Curtis Smith and Martin Nievera’s cover of Without You became a real hit and had been the talk of town ever since they released the video on youtube.

I myself was speechless the first time I saw it. I loved it. In just two days I guess it already had a million views and I don’t know how much of that views were mine. I even put it on repeat mode even though my brother complained a lot. He liked it but not as much as I do.

I didn’t like it because it’s popular nor am I a fan of Anne and Martin. I liked the song even before they made a cover of it. And I loved it because I dedicated it to someone close to my heart. (plus I have to say, Anne looks so gorgeous in the video. Sorry I couldn’t help but notice) =P

I don’t actually care how much autotune there is in their cover (I heard people comment about it). All I know is they did a great job and they deserve applause and all the praises and views they have.

I chose the lyrics I love best from the song.

…I will never be the same

Without You

…I will never make it by

Without You

… All I need is you and I

Without You

…I can’t accept that we’re estranged

Without you

I won’t soar

I won’t climb

If you’re not here

I am paralyzed

Without You

Never been stronger

Never been happier

When you came into my life

You poke to a place where I can standby

But you hope even higher

Can’t keep a life without you in my future

I wish I didn’t get used to this

I wish I never get used to feeling the best

Because I want you

I feel I’m losing you…

…what am I gonna do?

Can I figure out my life without you?

Tell me how to live life independently

From the one giving you happiness abundantly

To you,

I will never be the same without you

I can’t live if living is without you

 PS: i promise i'll update again real soon. *pinky swear*

S P E E C H L E S S

i came across these on tumblr. And i have nothing else to say. i'll let the photos speak for themselves.

*credit to the owners*

Friendships and Love: Thought 4

Scribbles: Solitude

It has been two weeks since my last post. It’s not as if I update every day. I just use this blog as an outburst page when my head feels like screaming or I want to rant about something else or I don’t have something to do or someone to turn to. That is if I am not being my stubborn self.

Hmmm.

I couldn’t remember the last time I sat down and did nothing. Thought of nothing. And just enjoyed the luxury of being able to freely breathe. I have not done that for a long while. I indulged myself with a bottle of Nutella and just listened to covers.

Yet after a while, the Nutella seemed to have lost its charm that I again felt weary.

I’ve been really preoccupied lately. Of a lot of things. (I’m always preoccupied.)

And I am probably the laziest person on Earth right now. Sigh. Or I just feel really tired that I don’t even have the energy to drag myself off my bed. I could stay here all night and all day the next day. Just me and my stuffed toy, Sirius.

I just want to be alone. Not because I wanted to lock myself away from people but I just wanted to enjoy my solitude. That precious moment i can call my own. Where it’s just me and only me. Where I can be myself, I don’t need someone else’s approval and I don’t have to be someone else to anyone and to please them. Wanting to enjoy my own company doesn’t mean I’m lonely or depressed.

Once in a while, everybody needs it.

There are a million thoughts in my head wanting to be scribbled but every time I try to dig deeper, they hide that I can’t seem to compose the thoughts I want to convey.

I at least have encouraged myself to write some of it here and to tweak pictures again just to vent it out. 

Goodness!

I Didn't Forget Your Day

I was supposed to post this yesterday but my time didn't permit me to for i was running late for duty.

This short post is dedicated to the most beautiful girl in the planet (in the eyes of JL) =P. Oo. Walang iba. Perhaps you won’t be able to read this coz you’re kinda busy right now with all the things you’d have to process but I am gonna post it any way for the sake of this blog and me.

Just so you know, this woman is very dear to my heart. Always have been. Always will be.

She was my clinical instructor then at Uni then we grew up to be friends and sisters. I didn’t know why I was so fond of her back then that catching her attention would mean so much. LOL. I admit bugging her every now and then at the college and thru text messages. Probably because her intelligence amazed me. Hmmm or her personality mostly did. Everybody wanted to befriend her. But not everyone made it to where i am right now. (Ang asa ko lang noh?hahaha).

Yes, i remember that night after our 3-11 duty where she bugged me to call my mom just so i could inform her that i was not going home at my apartment but at our house instead. That was the first time she called me 'Pet' until my other friends got used to it and started calling me by that name as well.

Remember the following photos? hahahha... those days i miss.I can't seem to find a photo of us for the year 2012. We missed to capture a memory for one year. That's sad. Nevermind.

You know how much I miss hanging out with you everyday like we used to back in college since we grew close together. I miss the old days. But i have always appreciated how you try to find and make room for me in your schedule no matter how busy you are. Thank you for all the movie dates we had, the long hours of conversations about things, the sleepovers which i really miss.

Thank you for helping me get through LIFE. I'll always be thankful for you. ALWAYS.

i am recycling this fansign i did last year for your birthday. ^_^

xoxo

Pet

Scribbles: Sentiments

A kid caught my attention last night at a fastfood restaurant as they ordered for their food and we waited for ours.

I studied him for a minute and I realized he is handicapped. His right hand's missing.. 

It broke my heart. 

For a young one like him, he has a lot of things to still enjoy but is probably missing out because of that ill-fated circumstance.

I continued to gaze at him then diverted my attention unto something before they catch me staring.

On our way home, I again remembered the boy.

I am not supposed to pity him for its not healthy and his disability isn’t a hindrance for him to be able to do the things that a kid or even an adult with two complete arms and hands can do. He’s still young, who knows in the near future he’ll be the best doctor, or whatever he’ll want to become. We just don’t know.

In that moment I was slapped with the reality of how petty the problems that are currently saddening me compared to his. Petty not in a way that they’re unimportant but when leveled to the boy’s current situation, they mean NOTHING.

But neither that thought nor the fact that I was again on a somnolent detachment mode helped.

In fact I should pity myself because I’m like this and I am allowing myself to be again dragged into this abyss of loneliness. Just like what I’ve already said, I seemed to have delighted so much in the pain that it grew as a habit.

*sigh*

I was never fond of this habit of mine.

But what else can I do?

*shrugs*

Perhaps i just have to have something to hold on to. That these moments are meant to teach me great lessons, i know. They will help me understand life and help me find myself and the reason why He placed me here.

Friendships and Love: Thought 3

Summertime and workmates

Summertime is over.

It went by so fast however we didn't fail to have our own fair share of the season as we shoved in our busy schedules a night out we hastily planned last April.

As they say, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Sharing some photos from the first night out I had with some workmates i have grown fond of. Some photos are late uploads. (I only had 4 hours of sleep today but Blogger already made me so happy coz the photos aren't distorted anymore).

an epic fail jump shot because we didn't have a camera good enough to take jump shot photos  in a dark setting

pardon me on the following photos for i was still wet and i went home just like that. =P

It’s quite hard to find a stable job that pays well and allows you to enjoy your work as much as you love receiving remuneration for doing something you find worth your time and effort.

But it’s rewarding when you don’t even receive anything in return and you love what you do. It’s what I call charity work and being a martyr. Nah. I was kidding. I have grown fond of my profession as time went by, though I sometimes think I am meant to be something else as well… but I have not really made up my mind yet.

I actually had a syndrome when it came to work. *whistles* But I am so over it by now. ^_^

It's the people i've met who made and is making my stay meaningful.

Cheers to finding a new family.

Thanks to them *points*.

Rain, Me and Memories

It’s raining.

Yes.

And I am in the mood to blog even though it won't make sense to you (that is, if you’re reading this). 

It must have been the coffee that made me this hyper.

The very moment I stepped out of the mall alone tonight after some Coffee float with my (how I wish) biological sister, Colleen, *winks* I realized how I missed the crowdedness of Manila when rain pours. Another one is the traffic. But never the flood. =P

The rain always drenches my soul and thoughts that I end up being nostalgic.  Perhaps it does the same thing to you as well if you pay close attention.

Then I again came across this photo of a friend on Instagram and Facebook with lyrics on it saying “When you feel all alone, remember good times, remember home”. It’s straightforward enough. 

It again made me smile.

You should listen to the song coz currently i've been singing along to it.

It’s entitled FRIENDS by Hedley.

So add the rain, the coffee, and the song and TA-DA!!! What do you get? A hyper me (Who talks gibberish).

All three combined, elicit memories from the past, and the feeling of how much I miss the people who were with me in the pictures playing in my mind presently. I am actually smiling as I think of them. I’m not crazy. I’m perfectly sane. ^_^ And I don’t think anything could spoil the gladness I have in me right now which is why I wanted to share it. I’ve read somewhere that happiness is contagious so I better do.  But forgive me if I am not really spreading that mood.

What I just wanted to say was, I just don’t know if I've made it through all the frantic moments in my life IF my friends weren't with me. I would have gone mental if no one was there to help me bear the burdens I had and have that I didn't and don’t want to share to my parents and siblings. At times I do trust my friends more (it’s pretty normal, I guess). Thank God, He provided and still provides me with the perfect people to help me stay rational.

It’s always nice to know that they’ll always have your back when you’re in need despite not seeing or talking to them for ages. That they’ll try to squeeze time for you and let you know they care no matter how different your worlds already are. That sense of security they give you that you’ll always have them around.

Life is hard you know. That will never change. But if you’re with the right company then that hard life is bearable no matter how unbearable it may seem.

I just want to thank you guys for sticking around. You know who you are. I’d hug you right now if I could ‘apparate’, but I am sending virtual hugs instead. I've got my fingers crossed that they don’t meet any traffic or anything along the way and reach you safe and sound.

And I hope you’ll stay, and help me finish our story... because it still has a long way to go.

So if you're feeling all alone remember good times or remember home

And if you question all that you see remember that you always got a friend in me

Cause I know we all gotta grow

 These days everybody wants to find out how the story ends

So we say nothing is a possibility if you don't got your friends

And I know as time goes by we're never gonna pretend

Cause you and me will always be friends

*huuuuuuuuuuugs*

xoxo

Nat <3

Scribbles: Sulkiness and thoughts

My heart’s pounding like it’s going to rip open my chest walls. *Breathes*

Gosh. I so wish Sirius would hug me right now. 

I am going to blame the weather. The dullness and drizzle are making me melancholic. And listening to this mellow song isn't really helping as I am not definitely relaxing. What is wrong with me? *Facepalm*

I seriously do not know what to do right now. So here I am rattling the keyboard with my random thoughts. I pity the keyboard; I must have slammed it about a hundred times. It would have bit my hand if it only could, so I’d stop banging it like a drum.

I want to lock myself up for the next few days and think. Just me and my thoughts. SRSLY.

I probably really need a time off. I’m trying to be responsible here. I don’t want to be impulsive at this point  because if I would then at this very moment I’ve already made my decision.

I’ve had this thought going on in my mind and it breaks my heart.

I’ve spent more time staring at the computer screen and keyboard so I better cut this short.

T__T

i love you mom

I was so tired yesterday but Google started my day lightly and made me smile as I enjoyed their Mother’s day Google Doodle. It’s been really ages since the last time I really paid attention to them although I have always been a fan.

But yeah, as I have said yesterday I spent an hour checking what designs can be created but I didn’t manage to finish it. All I can say is they’re just DOPE! ^_^

You can even print the doodle.

Google deserves praise for it.

Now aside from that, i want to post something for Mother’s day. I am not going to make it long because this blog seemed (okay is already) monotonous plus I’m kinda in a hurry right now coz it’s votation day today.

To my mum, I know I am not the perfect daughter you probably wished for but you have loved me for whom and what I am. I'm sorry if at times i answer back and get mad. But thank you so much for always checking up on me when i am not yet home (and even though I lived far from you before). I appreciate it a lot. Thank you because you have always been my shopping and strolling buddy. Thank you for supporting my decisions and the choices i make. Thank you for buying my ‘wants’ and for lending me your bags. Thank you for always being there to listen to my rants. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for being my first best friend. Thank you simply for everything. 

Well, i'm glad i missed the celebration last night due to work. Coz it's been quite a while since the last time mom and dad went out without us in the scene. ^_^

I love you. 

Words are not enough for me to express how grateful i have been and will always be to you and Papa.

Too much blah blah

 “Too much of anything could destroy you, Simon thought. Too much darkness could kill, but too much light could blind.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

Have you read City of Lost Souls? If not, then don’t worry I haven’t either. I’ll try to look for an ebook or a hard copy. But don’t you think it’s a quote worth pondering not only for the day but for every waking moment?

We all prolly know that saying “Too much is bad.” It does apply sometimes, or should I say oftentimes?

There’s even this belief that when you laugh too much or you’re too euphoric something unfortunate’s going to happen next. Now I ask. When does a person ever laugh too much? I mean how can you say it’s already in excess? Even though we’re already in a world where gadgets and machines prevail and prolly does big help (if not much more than what humans can provide), I don’t think people have created something that could measure someone’s happiness. (I shall try to read about that). I believe, that we’re in control of what  happens because of the things we think. About the Law of Attraction. That when we think more of positive thoughts, then, they’ll happen and vice versa. But I am not here to talk about the Law of Attraction. You can read about that in Rhonda Byrne’s book, The Secret.

Geeesh. I am blabbering nonsense again.

I just wanted to say that it is normal for a person to burst (just like a balloon. LOL. Just kidding). No. I meant to lose control over their temper when they are placed under a lot of pressure. Lucky for those who could express their rage easily because they don’t get to hold grudges or whatsoever inside them, they can easily let go because they’ve expressed it. But for those who can’t, then they’ll always resent.

There I go again. Sorry. My thoughts are all mixed up. I am just trying to empty my mind so I can peacefully sleep tonight.

We’re built with limitations. We can only take a specific amount of stimuli until we react. If it goes beyond that point then we’ll definitely explode. People tend to overreact and are misunderstood. Or it just depends on one’s perception.

I get to feel this at times when the stress level is too high. We feel so exhausted, the hustle and bustle of the day has sucked all of our vigor, we just want to bury ourselves under our covers and sleep our way throughout that moment until that feeling’s gone and we feel rejuvenated again. For even the slightest action be it a good one or bad can trigger the bomb to detonate.

Too much of something then is dangerous (prolly won't apply to all). Too much eating can lead to obesity or developing illnesses. Too much love can suffocate(figuratively speaking). Too much freedom can create chaos. Too much joke can hurt feelings and can be taken personally. There are a lot of too much in this world and I can’t specify them anymore.  I’ve done some of these “Too Much’s” at some point in my life and I apologise for whatever inconvenience I have caused. I really do.

I just so wish, somewhere in this article I’ve explained my point. If not, then, nevermind because it’s already 3 in the morning and I have to sleep.

Ciao.

Amidst the Darkness and Eerie Silence

This is what a cup of coffee and boredom does to me at 3 in the morning. I end up musing over thoughts whilst listening to Boyce Avenue’s cover of Daylight originally by Maroon 5. 

Ummm. I can’t let one bad hair day knock me down. It shall pass. So I am casting all the bad vibes away and will just think of the good thoughts.

Here we go.

Saturday night, we’re enjoying our Milk tea’s before we called it a day when out of nowhere Px brought out the topic of a night swimming. It’s not as if people were going to cancel their scheduled plans just so they could come. We invited people. Yes. Yet, it all boiled down to us. To what and who were on the original plan. Just plus one.

Sitting and resting on the ground with the cold fine sand pressing against your back underneath the open skies. Trying to count as much star as possible and breathing a wish once in a while. Listening to the waves as they hit the shore and break the silence of the night. Roasting mallows over a bonfire (which I am not really a fan of). Sharing stories after stories about life. It’s the closest I could get for a camping trip. 

It was an endless night. 

It's like one of those movie scenes, we were the castaways on a deserted island (except we weren't... though i'd wish we were LOL). 

After a week of hanging out with PX, he had to go back to Manila that Sunday. I do miss him y'know. And that sleepover by the beach was something like a send off party (LOL). Something we wouldn't probably do for a very long time. I wonder when is the next one. It was a trip not intended to bring feelings back, mend broken hearts and relationships, strengthen bonds or create new ones but just to pass the time and to make the most out of PX's vacation. I, myself, just wanted to be some place where i can think. Half of the time i was on a headset listening to songs from my phone. Half of the time i was staring unto the the darkness and the lights at a distance.

Time indeed stood still.

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon

Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
'Cause I know, when I wake
I will have to slip away

It's quite funny how the Daylight lyrics suited that night perfectly.

Me and Aj never had a proper picture together

 

  

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go 
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close 
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own 
But tonight I need to hold you so close 

(i noticed something. It's quite sad. Seriously.)