Day 6: The Colour Changing Quill

I feel sick. I am tired. But i am not gonna quit on my job. 

Life is hard and wherever i go, it will always be like that. I should learn how to survive. I am not on my own i know but i do feel like that at times.

I am just crying again. I remembered you.

I cried a lot this week because my mind couldn't stop thinking about you. 

Instead of saying i miss you, i'd ask how are you doing? I have no idea now. You seemed so far away. And what really hurts is that you're not really far. But you're acting that way as if i never existed. As if i no longer exist. I just want you to know, i am here. Hello. You don't even bother asking how am i doing.

You might have in mind that i am fine... that i am so happy with my life now.

I know we're both on the same page. I do.

That you too are feeling blue. But you're doing great as i can see now. 

I am okay. So far. As far as everyone can see me, i am myself. But i know what's true... and i can say i am not.

I read something i should have not read. I cried. I locked myself in the washroom for long because of that. I asked myself, Do i still know you? But if they're to ask me, did something change? My answer would always be NONE. 

Then i happened to have stalked you too much, i read another one. It's too early to know we're wrong with the decisions we made. However the only thing i am praying to God is that those are the best decisions we had that's why we had to do them. He has His own plans for our lives, right. And we just have to trust Him with it.

He teaches us lessons in ways we don't expect. Hmmm. But He still knows what's inside my heart.

I finally dropped by your house. It's not really meant for us to meet. unfortunately you went out. Maybe God knew my heart was pounding a while ago when Danda asked for you. I didn't know how to react if i'll see you again. I asked for your sister anyway. And my intention was to give her my gift to your nephew, Gav. I am happy i finally got a chance to meet them both. Although it was all informal coz we were standing outside the computer shop's door. And she was really surprised to see me... to see us there. I know she told me i would have to text her before i take a visit.

The gift i gave was a huge Patrick stuff toy. First ever gift i bought from my own pocket which costed that much. And i was so happy to give it to him that much. Glad that Gav loved it so much as to what your sister said. 

Did you know i hugged that stuffed toy with all my might before i gave it? We were at Dada's unit and i brought it out. I hugged it so tight if only that stuff toy is alive it could have experienced suffocation. I missed hugging Tanney. Remember the bear you gave me for my birthday (January 17, 2010).Where you ran away after my niece accepted it and that was the only vivid image on my Mother's mind every time she thinks of you. I used to cry to her. I know she's just a stuff toy but i used to tell her everything whenever we would have problems. But, i no longer can do that to her... Seeing her, hugging her hurts too much now. You used to hug her too with all your might. You used to smell her and call her your child. And she just brings all the pain back. I tucked her inside my trunk and it'll take me sometime to open that again.

I miss you. And for the nth time i have not yet felt exhausted saying it.

I can still imagine you everytime. The way you speak in front. The way you laugh, it even echoes through my head. And i am wondering when will i ever hear it again.

I love you. Coz i still do.

Even if its hurting me. 

I closed my eyes and said it. The words i have told you that time i was stopping you from walking away.

"I love you Bryan."

And here they come again.

The crystal clear glint in my eyes gushing down my cheeks.

=(

goodnight.

I had to free the thoughts out of my mind.